So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My penis needs a shock collar
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
