That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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