sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
