I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
