I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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