Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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