My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
