Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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