he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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