I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
