you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
