I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
