woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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