Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
