If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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