apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize