I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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