Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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