I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
