I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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