Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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