I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
