It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
