Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i think my cat just said my name.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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