Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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