Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
