Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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