I hate all girls vehemently.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
