I think I am morally bankrupt
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
