So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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