God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
