The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
