Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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