Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
