Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
