T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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