im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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