It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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