ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
