I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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