There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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