Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
