the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
