sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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