ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
