Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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