Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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