just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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