i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
