Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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