I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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