I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
