im about as happy as oj after his trial
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
