I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
